Do you believe you’ve made a mistake breaking up with your partner, and now you need a shortcut to getting them back?
Unfortunately, there is no fast-tracking if your goal is to get back together and stay together. There are stages of reconnecting with an ex, however, and this article will tell you everything about how to rekindle an old flame.
Getting back together after a breakup is messy and hard to navigate, but with a lot of effort and through personal change, you can win them back and start anew.
So, without further ado, let’s see what’s necessary to renew your relationship!
Should I get back together with my ex?
Before we talk about how to get back together with an ex, there is one thing you need to think about first: should you get back into a relationship with a former partner? Here are a few questions that will help you evaluate whether it’s a good idea.
Why did you break up in the first place?
The first and most logical question before getting back together after a breakup is WHY? Why did you break up? What was the reason behind calling quits on your relationship? Did they cheat? Were your families against it? Were they obsessed with video games?
If there is still love, trust was not broken, and you ultimately split up because of something shallow and insignificant, you might just give your relationship a second go.
Do you really want to get back with your ex?
Are you in love with your ex, or are you in love with the idea of being in a relationship? These are two very different aspects of a partnership. Sometimes, you really miss the person you were with, their presence, voice, smell, how they think or touch you, or always have the right words.
On the other hand, people often just can’t stand the idea of being single. Think about whether you miss the feeling of being with someone, the cuddles, the kisses, and the attention. Or is it THIS particular person who you truly want to share all those things with and no one else?
Do you think your ex wants you back?
So, you really want them back, we got that down! But do they feel the same? When you are thinking about rekindling a relationship, it’s crucial that both of you are on the same page and feel equally passionate about getting back together!
If you are hoping for a Hollywood-style happily ever after, and your ex is only looking for a one-night-stand for old times’ sake, feelings will get hurt! It’s also quite pointless to go through all that trouble and heartbreak if they are only there because it feels “familiar.”
Is either of you ready to make changes in the relationship?
A healthy relationship should make you feel safe, loved, and at home. When the breakup happens because partners turn toxic to the point they no longer can stay together without hurting each other, the only thing that could potentially save a relationship is CHANGE. And a lot of effort!
A deep, honest, all-around shift of character, perception, and behavior may eventually be a ticket to forever-together land, but only if it’s real and comes from the heart!
Are you willing to forgive and put aside any griefs towards each other?
Breakups are hard! Thank you, Captain Obvious! In all seriousness, though, depending on how hard the breakup was, exes often hold grudges against one another.
So, if you are ready to go through the stages of reconnecting with an ex, you may want to make sure there are no hard feelings from the past between the two of you. Forgiveness is an essential step in the process of reconciliation.
7 stages of getting back together with your ex
Stage #1: Separation
You immediately feel remorse after the breakup, but at this stage, emotions are running high, and things can get worse rather than better.
It’s best to give each other time to process everything that went down and focus on going through the separation with as little emotional and mental damage as possible.
Even worse, if this breakup meant exiting a toxic relationship. You will have to do a lot of damage control and introspection for your own good.
Radio silence is when you take things into perspective and find the way back to yourself. This is the time when you realize it will take some work and effort to get yourself back on your feet.
In the meantime, you will definitely bore your besties to death by repeating the same thoughts and questions over and over again.
It’s usually during the “no contact” period that people realize they made a mistake and are ready to go through all it takes to get back together with an ex.
Stage #2: Doubts and Risk Assessment
You thought Stage 1 was the hardest part? Wait till all the doubts and questions start creeping in. Will things go back to how they were? Are they feeling the same as I do? Are they willing to change and make sacrifices for the relationship?
Obviously, something caused the breakup, and regardless of how big or insignificant it was, you probably don’t want to go back to it.
The stakes are even higher if you are reconciling with a long-time partner or a fiance. There is a lot of responsibility as well as expectations. During this phase, you will go over a million questions and assess all the risks and chances.
Starting anew and starting anew with an old partner are not even in the same league. There is a lot of fear of the unknown involved, especially since getting back together after a breakup may feel like a deja vu of the good but also of the bad things from your relationship.
Maybe you are starting to grow apart, or maybe it’s just a phase?
Stage #3: How soon is too soon?
Now that the initial contact is made and the butterflies are brought to life, we bet you can’t wait to get all lovey-dovey again.
But how soon is too soon for you to fall back into your old romantic patterns? Would it be awkward if you called them “baby”?
Chances are, you will feel very conscious and aware of every word you say and how you say it. Fights and misunderstandings are the last things you need in this period.
After all, you are trying to get them back, not scare them off with clingy and awkward language and behavior.
Since you can’t be sure how they are feeling, you can test the waters by sending a cute little pic of the time you were together and waiting for a reaction.
This will tell you a lot about where they are in the process of getting back together.
Look out for the signs that your ex will eventually come back.
Stage #4: The “First” date
Finally, the day has arrived! Doesn’t it feel awkward to act first-date-like with someone you know intimately?
First dates are all about getting to know each other, flirting, being overly polite, and maybe even putting up an act. But how do you do that with someone who meets you on such a deep level and knows all your quirks and habits?
Now, there are a few ways this can go – either it will feel natural and safe, like coming home, or it will be distant, awkward, and confusing.
Ultimately, it can be a mixture of both since there are still things to be discussed and resolved and grudges to be put to rest.
Stage #5: The Fear of giving in completely
As we already said, falling in love and rekindling old love are two different “animals.” Starting fresh with a new partner is exciting, full of surprises and adventure. On the flip side, going through the stages of reconnecting with an ex is often unpredictable and nerve-wracking.
One moment it feels like you are on cloud nine, and the next, you find yourself tiptoeing around your then/now partner trying to avoid a disagreement at any cost. Instead of bottling feelings down, keep open communication. It will work in your favor!
Stage #6: Discovering the New Them
Taking time off usually inspires positive change in partners. Whether it was self-discovery or a nasty wake-up call, you are no longer the same people that broke up a few months ago. Especially if it’s been a while since the breakup, there will be many things you will find different about your partner.
It can be something small, like a newfound love for a show they used to hate, or a big thing like a totally different perspective on life. Whichever it is, now it’s the time for rediscovering each other.
At times it will feel the same, and then it will feel awkward and new. But you will get used to the new dynamics soon enough and start enjoying it. Don’t be surprised if you like the new version of them even better.
Stage #7: Finding Love again
The process of getting back together with an ex can be confusing and beautiful at the same time. You’ve spent months building something better and trying to save the relationship, and your efforts are finally paying off.
If you’ve been smart enough to learn your lessons, you will have no trouble staying away from the toxic patterns that broke you up in the first place.
Finally: What will happen once you get back together with your ex?
Recent studies of broken-up couples and the stages of getting back together with an ex show that 70% of the couples never get back together, 15% reconcile and then break up again, and 15% make up and stay together.
Even though many ex-partners fail at getting back together, it is not impossible if your love is still alive and both of you are willing to put in the time and effort needed to make it work.